I have a proposal for a new chain of hotels - "Comfort Sleep" let's call it. Because your fellow travelers are selfish pigs who don't care about the noise and filth that they generate, this concept will boast several innovative features to ensure your comfort:

• Triple insulated walls, ceilings and doors.

• Decibel meters on guest room doors - each slam over 70 dB after 8:00 pm and before 10 am will result in an automatic $25.00 charge to the offender's guest bill.

• Security cameras will cover every inch of the hallways, and any voices raised above 70dB after 8:00 pm will trigger automatic photography of the offenders. Pics will be posted on screens in the lobby and on in-room television channels, with mocking caption phrases superimposed a la "Blind Date."

• Ambient noise channels on in-room televisions will have black screens and sound selections such as "Ocean Waves," "Babbling Brook" and "White Noise."

• Parents allowing children to run amok at any time of day will be immediately arrested and charged with disturbing the peace. Additionally, parents placing a diapered baby in the swimming pool will be immediately arrested and charged with creating a public health hazard.

• In addition to regular housekeeping, rooms will be sanitized by blasts of UV light from devices embedded in walls and ceilings.

• TV remotes will be sprayed with Lysol by housekeepers after each check-out. Lysol cans will also be provided in each bathroom.

• Hallways will be monitored and patrolled to immediately remove used room service trays - no more having to look at a gnawed chicken bone and half a glass of Merlot as you head back to your room.

• Air conditioning and heating controls will be independent in each room and will be guaranteed to take the room to whatever temperature the guest desires, no matter what the weather is like outside. Want to run the a/c in winter or the heat in summer? No problem, your wish is our command!